Because I love President Donald Trump and America, I’ve put together a letter the administration can send to the papal conclave in Vatican City, strongly suggesting the cardinals pick a pope who aligns with MAGA.

Dear cardinals:

The glorious and incredibly popular Trump administration would like to offer some advice as you go about selecting the next Vicar of Christ.
As you all undoubtedly know, President Donald Trump won the 2024 presidential election by a massive landslide, just as he won the rigged and unfair 2020 election that Sleepy Joe Biden stole. Put simply, everyone loves Trump, and everything he does is perfect. Some might even call him infallible. Many are saying that. Just the other day, a big cardinal came along – huge, tough-looking cardinal – and he had tears in his eyes and said, “President Trump, I only wish we could have a pope like you.”
So with that in mind, we want you all to seriously consider picking a pope who embraces President Trump’s best qualities, which, of course, are all of his qualities. To be clear, when we say “seriously consider,” that is not a threat that America would use military force to take over the Vatican for “strategic national security reasons.” It’s also not a nonthreat. Just ask Greenland. You all have some very nice gold decor that piques the president’s interest. A key quality in a MAGA pope would be a willingness to rid the Catholic Church of costly and outdated concepts like “asking forgiveness.” No more penance, no more demonization of so-called sins. You say whatever will benefit you, like insisting you won a presidential election that you lost, and you never back down. The new pope must have a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to lies and other “woke” concepts like infidelity, corruption, mild treason, dehumanization and bullying.